But we considered some alternative goofball candidates who might want to try their hand at leading the nation. After all, even Colbert says in his new book that "you can too."

How about Paris Hilton? She could run on the slogan, "Global warming: That's hot." Or Kevin Federline, who has proved that he is at least more responsible than Britney Spears.

If Colbert is America, how exactly can we trust him to run himself, anyway? Here are our picks:

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THE CANDIDATE: Captain America.

WHY HE SHOULD RUN: Duh! Who better to handle U.S. foreign relations and domestic health care than Steve Rogers a.k.a. Captain America? This super-soldier and World War II veteran has experience with secret serums and a red, white and blue shield.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "America, vote America."

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THE CANDIDATE: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

WHY HE SHOULD RUN: He took on Eminem on the MTV music awards; now he is ready to take on Bin Laden.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "Triumph agrees all the other candidates are well qualified ... for me to poop on!"

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THE CANDIDATE: Paris Hilton.

WHY SHE SHOULD RUN: She's already withstood media scrutiny, and the parallels with the current president are uncanny. Consider: George W. Bush is a born-again former party boy; Paris Hilton found God in jail. Bush is against the death tax; Hilton stands to inherit a bazillion dollars. Bush says he is committed to gradually reducing the number of troops in Iraq; Hilton likes gum.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "Global warming: That's hot."

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THE CANDIDATE: Kobe Bryant.

WHY HE SHOULD RUN: It's better than being traded to Chicago.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "A stronger America starts in the weight room."

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THE CANDIDATE: Rosie O'Donnell.

WHY SHE SHOULD RUN: Picture Kim Jong Il in the role of Donald Trump and you'll get a sense of her foreign policy. She's not afraid to mock and belittle anyone who stands in her way. Potential nuclear holocaust aside, O'Donnell shoots from the hip and calls it like she sees it.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "Rosie O'Donnell is not a loser."

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THE CANDIDATE: Kevin Federline.

WHY HE SHOULD RUN: Federline has tried backup dancing, rapping and acting. Why not commander in chief? In his custody battle with ex-wife Britney Spears, he's shockingly proved to be the more responsible of the paparazzi-stalked pair. Plus, "Popozao" would make the best campaign song ever.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "K-Fed for Prez, yo."

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THE CANDIDATE: Dr. Dre.

WHY HE SHOULD RUN: Another excuse to delay making "Detox."

SLOGAN: "The national anthem needs a new beat."

THE CANDIDATE: Neil Hamburger.

WHY HE SHOULD RUN: America's self-professed funny man mastered the art of awkwardness long before "The Office" came along. In fact, his live shows have been known to unravel into showers of boos and beer bottles. This gives him the necessary experience to represent the U.S. in some corners of the world.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "He's got your beef right here."

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THE CANDIDATE: Dolly Parton.

WHY SHE SHOULD RUN: Parton could soothe international tensions with her Southern charm. Also, her presidential retreat at Dollywood would be a lot more fun than Crawford, Texas or Kennebunkport, Maine, or anyplace else for that matter.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "Vote GOP: Grand Ole Parton."

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THE CANDIDATE: Claire Bennett.

WHY SHE SHOULD RUN: Yes, we know the indestructible cheerleader from NBC's "Heroes" isn't old enough to actually run for office, but this high school sophomore is charismatic and extraordinary, both signs of a great leader. And think of all the tax dollars spent on Secret Service that could be saved.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "Vote the cheerleader. Save the world."

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THE CANDIDATE: Simon Cowell.

WHY HE SHOULD RUN: Forget Congress, he'd take this bill straight to the people, "American Idol"-style. From minimum wage to stem cell research to declarations of war, the American people would vote on every issue (via text message). Ryan Seacrest would host the weekly congressional competition on television, and winning legislation advances to the next round.

CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "All my competitors are hideous. They are the worst public servants in the world. They should all just go home. Their leadership is like ordering a ferocious guard dog for your home and getting delivered a poodle in a leather jacket instead."

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